yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
