Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
