Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
