just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
