I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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