Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
