I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
