Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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