does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
