i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
