Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
