I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
