So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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