he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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