Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
