You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
