1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
