Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
