A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
