Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
