I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
