I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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