Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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