I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
