thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
