i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
