there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
