Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Randomize
