So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Randomize
