can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
