i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
