I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
