it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
