sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
