Only a mothe r could love this liver
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You are a genius and a whore.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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