I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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