I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
only if we run a train.
done.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
