Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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