When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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