cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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