Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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