toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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