Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
