i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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