His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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