My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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