turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
