What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
