So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
this is an emotional support booty call
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
