Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Randomize
