All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
